The Eye of the Storm

I don’t remember if it was Hurricane Frances or Jeanne in 2004 but one of my core childhood memories came when we were locked inside for the storm. The eye was going to be passing over our house and my dad, completely out of character, allowed my brother and I to step outside for .5 seconds during it. It’s something I'll never forget because of the shock. We were just freaking out about the high winds outside but at that moment, it was completely calm. Normal, actually. The sun was shining, there was a nice light breeze, but there was also trees down, lots of debris and devastation from those high winds we just heard.

The next few months of my life after losing my dad were just like that quick visit outside during the Eye of the hurricane. I knew there was devastation around me but it felt like a normal day. I went back to work a week after the news which was completely my choice; my manager was quite concerned. I just wanted normalcy because honestly, my life felt 'normal' when looking at it. It's not like my dad and I spoke everyday or were linked in a way that there would be a daily reminder of his death. I felt disgusting because of my ability to go back to work so flippantly and wasn't sure I would even 'break down' as I expected. I felt heartless.

I need to give you some context, because it's important to understand not just where I was in life, but who I was when I got that call.

It was the Summer of 2022 and I was a Sales Executive in healthcare tech specifically supporting the 'San Jose' market which included the Central Coast and Valley of California. A fun fact I learned about my dad after he passed was more about his hometown. He had copies of his high school transcript and other documents specifying his childhood setting which just so happened to be Santa Cruz, California; AKA the Central Coast of California. (Remember the synchronicities I've noticed--that was HUGE)

I had actually been promoted 6 months prior and was NOT performing well. I was asking my boss (almost) daily if I was getting fired and really wasn't used to not being good at my job. But, what I didn't realize was getting in my way, was grief slowly trickling into my subconscious, making me question my skills and stability in a job I have always been a leader in.

I had an insane case of imposter syndrome and could no longer "fake it till I made it". So, I decided to prove to myself I could do it successfully. I was working 60-70 hours a week and living on Pacific Coast hours in Boston. Any free time available was devoted right back to catching up on busy work, regardless of it being the weekend.

When I think back to this time of my life, I feel bad for this version of me. I know now that I was suppressing the grief of my dad and was afraid of the guilt that would surface as a result. There was a lot going on in my dads life for 2+ years prior to his passing that fueled this guilt. I'm not going to share specifics because he honestly might strike me down with lightning, but it was a situation that nobody could really help other than himself. I did all I could to help but at a point, I had to choose my happiness over his. This choice has haunted me ever since.

I will say, I am really good at suppressing feelings so that's how I lived for about 6-months after my dad. I had plenty of distractions with work but was also going to Florida for the month of November to celebrate my 29th, my 10-year high school reunion, and my grandma's birthday. It was perfect.

Little did I know how suppressing the grief would actually turn into self-sabotage when home. I had my own Air-BNB to work from but also had no house rules or bed-time. It had all the ingredients for a breakdown, which I had a lot of fun doing.

Stay tuned..

xoxo,

jenbec