OK so I have 12 mins until my next meeting, shockingly. I thought picking up King from the vet would take forever.. Of course I forgot to stop and grab my dad a card for his birthday. I’ll have to do that later & should call him, it’s been a few months.
Why is this spam number calling again? They just left a voicemail so what's so urgent.. Whatever I have a few minutes.
"Hello"
Hello, is this Jenny Rice? Is your father Michael?
“Yes, this is she. What's up?"
It's unfortunate when you realize you aren't able to stop time or hit Pause on life. Even just for a second. The world keeps spinning, sun keeps shining, and your meeting is still about to start, regardless of you learning that your dad just died.
Do you have any questions for me before the coroner reaches out?
I wanted to go back in time, just 5-minutes, so I could appreciate my ignorance before losing a piece of me. I remember asking something along the lines of 'what to do now' and pretending to understand the response. I wasn't actually listening anymore because in reality, I was 1200 miles away and solving the riddle of who to call first.
So, I called my prospect first and cancelled our time. Then, my manager to get the rest of my work delegated and have 'the time' for logistics. I honestly hate this memory and am shocked to even admit but I'm not sure why I'm shocked when looking back. It's so fucking surreal how the world around you keeps spinning yet your whole life just exploded in an instant.
Once I had the courage to call my brother and mom, I compartmentalized. Well, I thought that's what I was doing. I purposefully tried to 'suppress' any feelings until I was back home in Florida because I had a feeling whatever else was bottled up from my past would make an appearance. I was extremely self-aware, unfortunately, and needed to distract myself for 24-hours. So, I downed 4 edibles and shared a bottle of wine with my roommate once 'able' to process. AKA, my flight was booked, everyone heard the news, and my phone was on silent.
If you've unfortunately related to this, I'm truly sorry. The grief of losing my dad is suffocating and painful to this day; physically, mentally and emotionally. I'm angry he will never witness my successes or get to know grown up Jen. I have lived my life wanting to make him proud since I know he devoted his to myself and my brother. Every decision he made was for our future and to set us up for opportunities he wasn't able to experience. He wanted to "break the chain" without even realizing that’s what he was doing.
I never understood my father or his story when he was alive. He was an enigma, to say the least, and I had to "wait until you're older" to hear the juicy details of his past life. (Spoiler alert, I was never old enough). I have crumbs of facts about his time in the Air Force, how athletic he was growing up, his parents, but none from his telling. No matter how I framed the questions, I was always met with the same response.
I must've sounded like a little parakeet every morning before school, on the way home from practice, etc.:
"why have I never met my grandparents or other family from your side?"
"do they know I exist?"
"why did you leave the air force?"
"why did you move out of California?"
*crickets
I respect his persistence, honestly. I guess these are just some things I'm never meant to learn, but it took an unhealthy amount of time to realize this. Once back in Boston after managing my dads affairs, I spent almost every single night trying to find his siblings to tell them about his passing (and I guess introduce myself?) but to no avail. It felt really gross having any kind of public memorial without his family even knowing he was gone... but in the same breath, would he want them to know? That might make my dad sound insensitive which, no comment. But this felt like the right thing to do. I know if I were in their shoes, I'd at least want the consideration.
My obsession with finding answers subsided after some time and allowed me to understand my dad and his story—told by him. I'm not making this spiritual because if you know me, that's just laughable, and I refuse to tell people what to believe. But, after losing those I have over the years, it's hard not to feel their presence in my everyday life. I have always had an extremely strong intuition but it’s kinda creepy the signs and synchronicities I’ve seen since my dad's passing. I just couldn't see them until I truly felt my feelings and removed distractions. In other words, I would've never noticed my dads presence if I kept worrying about situations that were out of my control. There's a reason I never met his family, and another for why I've yet to hear from them in my 31-years of life. That’s just how the cookie crumbles. All I’ve wished was to make my dad proud, regardless of his disagreement on the path I chose for college or where I’ve lived. It doesn’t matter that I never met his family or that he'll never know mine. I know he’s still able to witness my successes regardless of which realm he occupies.
So, that’s what started the idea of sharing my experience with grief and loss over the years. Sadly, my dad isn’t the only person I miss everyday and know I’ll continue to experience loss throughout my life (as we all do). But, I refuse to believe I've experienced what I have at such a young age and am not meant to discuss them publicly. In the 3-years since his passing, I've seen how empathy and compassion are now needles in a haystack, which makes sharing this terrifying. However, I am choosing to be what I want to see more of in this world and hope to normalize sharing ones story. Without understanding, there's no basis for compassion and I hope this journal can encourage such.
Stay tuned..
xoxo, jenbec